The wait...

I didn't wander through the hospital looking like Rudolph with puffy eyes for too long. I got a small snack and choked down a bite or too. I wanted to get back to the waiting room for any news. I had been told that if they didn't have to band any varices they should be done within about 45 minutes. If it was longer, then it probably meant they had to go ahead with the banding.

I got back to that cold lonely and scary room. Brandon had to go to work that day. He planned on getting to the hospital while she was having the scope. "He should be here any minute." I kept telling myself over and over. I couldn't wait to have him there with me. The minutes dragged on as I played every horrible scenario that could possibly happen over and over in my mind. That sure didn't help the time go by...

45 minutes came and went, oh no, what does this mean? Is she OK, are they banding big life threatening varices? Did she need a transfusion? Where is Brandon? I started to feel that awful choking sensation in my throat that makes you feel like you can't swallow. I tried to calm myself down, noticing how jerky my movements were becoming. What a surreal feeling as I looked around the room at all the other parents waiting for who knows what.

A few minutes later the Doctors who performed the scope entered the room and motioned for me to follow them into the conference room just off of the waiting room. I hoped I wouldn't faint as I got up from my seat. One of the Doctors turned to me and quietly said, she is doing fine. I felt a surge of relief at those words.

I tried to look calm and comprehend what they were telling me. They ended up not having to band any varices. There were only two small ones that were just starting out in her esophagus, and were too small to need to be banded. The pictures of the scope showed small patches of recent oozing blood spots from her stomach. The pressure from the portal hypertension was causing the small bleeds into the stomach. I was disheartened to find out that when the bleeding occurs in the stomach it can be quite scary because they can't band those off. It made me nervous to think that was where she was showing signs of bleeding.

I was told that she was stable for now, but to realize that this was not the end, "You need to be prepared, because it is not if she bleeds again, it is when." She definitely will bleed again.

They went on to say that it was amazing that her Kasai had gotten her this far, but that it was probably time to start looking into transplant. The words were not easy to hear, but I did feel gratitude that I'd had so many healthy years with Makelle. I had so much time to prepare.

Kindly the one of the Doctors handed me the pictures from the scope. I reached out and dropped it. Realizing my movements were still a little too shaky to be functioning correctly.

I walked out of that room praying for strength to face what would come next. A few minutes later Brandon made it to the hospital just in time to see her coming out of recovery and back to her hospital room.